How the Typical Thai Views the Cheap-Hippy-Backpacker

Yes. I hate to spoil the ego-party, but it’s true, cheap-hippy-backpacker, you are not only highly unappreciated for your superior cultural hypersensitivity/spirit-quest attitude, but are also thought of even less than your archenemy -- the narrow-minded, shopping crazed, beach resort yuppie tourist. Even though the cheap-hippy backpacker may be seeking the deeper cultural experience abroad, mostly the local population could just care less – with the attitude in the homegrown tourist industry being: If you ain’t here to spend, then you might as well not be here at all. And, cheap-hippy-backpacker, let’s face it, you are definitely not in Thailand to spend.

So, by all means, cheap-hippy-backpacker, continue your quest (And don't get me wrong, I'm a cheap-hippy-backpacker, too). But, at the same time, don’t get “blown away” when the local tuk-tuk driver shoots you dirty looks as your strolling down the street, refusing his services, because you’d rather save the extra baht for a crappy banana lassi at your favorite cheap-hippy-backpacker guesthouse.

Play the Banana Boat

As many of you might already know, I am an EFL teacher. As a teacher, I have a philosophy: I teach you once and you don’t learn, I teach you again; I teach you twice and you don’t learn, I still teach you again; BUT, I teach you 27 times and you still don’t learn, well, then I just humiliate you on the internet.

For those of you who don’t know, this is a banana boat:

You drag them around in the water, generally, behind some kind of motorized watercraft producing a high-adrenaline, wetty sensation for the passengers clinging to the overpriced yellow tube at high speeds. Thai students are absolutely bonkers about these things. Every time I ask them to write something on the topic of “fun,” the phrase “I play the banana boat,” rears its ugly head. So I suggest to them, “ride a banana boat” as a more eloquent alternative. I also tell them that we mostly use ‘play the’ with a musical instrument, like a guitar or piano. They say, “OK.” And it seems to be problem solved. Then the next paper arrives: At weekend I playing the banana boat wit my friends. So I correct them again. And then the next paper arrives: I like play the banana boat. OK, you’re not listening to me. Say this, “rode a banana boat.” Still doesn’t help.

So, Teerayut, Meen, Em, Samawat, Waedah, and all you other thickheaded students, I stand corrected. These photos are evidence that one can actually play the banana boat. A thousand apologies.

Quick Tips for the Irresponsible Traveler

While snorkeling or scuba diving in Thailand:

If you just happen to come across a rare giant clam in the Andaman Sea, make sure to find a big rock, and smash it. As this will help further reduce the numbers of an already near extinct species, making your rare encounter all the more boast-able to your friends back home. Highly recommended.

The Passing of Wild-Man “Ja”

Yes, the rumors are true. Wild-Man Ja is dead. But before you enter into a week long state of weeping and teeth gnashing, I would like you to know that he did in fact die peacefully, or, I should say, as peacefully as someone with the nickname Wild-Man Ja, could do.

Apparently our hero met his demise while doing what he loved – totting the random foreign tourist through the bustling back alleys of Bangkok. And right in his old favorite fishing hole of Kao San Road, he and an unfortunate, star-crossed hippy backpacker were swept away by the hand of fate into the netherworld. The cause – reportedly a fuel explosion due to Wild-Man Ja’s recent experimentation with an incredibly powerful but highly unstable super fuel produced from the carcasses of Bangkok street dogs, something definitely in abundance within the city. Nonetheless, his tampering with the boundaries of science ended in a fiery furnace of death.

In the above photo, we see an artists rendering of Ja (and his lowly companion), entering into the aqua jelly vortex, the believed gateway into the afterlife of Thai tuk-tuk drivers. It is a land in which there is always a willing and affluent farang to pick up, and the gasohol flows freely, as well as the beer Chang. It is written that if a tuk-tuk driver is honest and forthright in his service of tuk-tuking for his fellow man, then he will pass into the realm of the aqua jelly vortex for eternity.

So Wild-Man Ja, though gone, is far from forgotten. Soon his stories will pass into legend, and his legend will eventually pass into myth. Perhaps a deity status someday awaits this man of men. Who’s to say? But, yes. Saint Ja – patron saint of tuk-tuk drivers -- kind of has a nice ring to it if you ask me.

Wild-Man "Ja"

Today I would like to introduce the infamous tuk-tuk driver, Wild-Man Ja – a legend in the profession, known for his outrageous exploits, as well as creator of the first ever monster tuk-tuk. Bangkok commuters beware when in the midst of Wild-Man Ja during a rush-hour traffic jam, lest this be the fate of your automobile.

Chugging beer Chang like there’s no tomorrow and armed with the most powerful tuk-tuk in history, Wild-Man Ja’s been known to crush a blocking car now and again. In fact, as the picture above portraits, his exploits on the road became so well known, a crafty event promoter decided: hey, why not take it to the stage? Hence Ja’s new part-time occupation. But let it be known, that Ja has not abandoned his old profession of public transportation operator for fortune and fame. Oh, no! This humble and hardworking man of 78 years young still derives his true pleasure in life from plowing the streets of BKK, serving his fellow countrymen, as well as totting around the occasional foreigner. Often taking them for a ride they’ll never forget (with just a slight extra charge). So here’s to Wild-Man Ja: tuk-tuk driver extraordinaire. May he and his monster tuk-tuk run forever

How the Cheap Hippy Backpacker Views Himself

As the hyper-aware, culturally sensitive cheap hippy backpacker trots along on his worldwide journey of spiritual awakening and spreading of goodwill throughout the less fortune regions of the earth, he or she becomes an ambassador of global peace, understanding, and …uh. Give me a minute here. Ummm. OH! Stinginess. Yes. A representative of the stinginess of wealthier Western nations towards the developing world. So, not exactly the effect the cheap hippy backpacker had originally in mind.

Armed with Lonely Planet guidebooks, dreadlocks, and an overwhelming aura of uncleanliness, the cheap hippy backpacker sets out on a journey of self-enlightenment, and in turn continually befuddles natives along the way as to why someone with such wealth potential would dress so poorly. This is one of the paradoxes of budget travel – trying to show the less fortune that money and prosperity alone cannot bring happiness, and them replying: let me be the judge of that, easy for you to say, and – you try going through life never even being able to afford a single trip to the dentist. In other words, they just don’t want to hear it. Especially from a young twenty-something, over privileged hippy whose only work experience includes being an assistant coffee barrista at the local espresso bar.

So, when the cheap hippy backpacker naively blows money on a meditation course by yet another fraudulent spiritual guru, and then attempts to haggle with the hard-working tuk-tuk driver over a measily 5 Baht, well, need I say more?

Ghost Tuk-Tuk

While walking along a desolate strip of road, the lone traveler may suddenly have the overwhelming sensation of something approaching. Then a faint “honk-honk,” and a wispy “Hey you. Where you go,” eerily fills the air. And -- Yes! The ghost tuk-tuk approaches: its route set for hell, and the price – your soul! Although disputed as superstitious mumbo-jumbo by local authorities, more than one reputable wayfarer has claimed to have seen the ghost tuk-tuk in the otherwise peaceful seaside town of Songkhla, Thailand.

The legend begins over 20 years ago, when an elderly tuk-tuk driver named Somchai was brutally killed in an accident whilst aggressively pursuing a cheap hippy backpacker who refused to take public transportation in 40 degree plus heat. Shortly after this tragic event, rumors and murmurings of a ghost tuk-tuk plowing Somchai’s old route of Nang Ngam Road began to appear. Today the locals firmly believe that this is the spirit of old Somchai, eternally trying to pick up the same cheap hippy backpacker.

As one witness described his frightening encounter with ghost tuk-tuk -- whilst strolling alone on Nang Ngam Road one typical hot-season afternoon, he heard an old faint and decrepit voice behind him begin to say “tuk-tuk good, very very good. You go tuk-tuk, okay?” Thinking it was just another tuk-tuk driver soliciting a prospective custormer, he turned around to politely decline when -- Ghast! A ghoulish apparition appeared before him. The petrified traveler ran away, claiming to have been further pursued and touted for miles. After escaping and returning to his respective guesthouse, clearly in a state of intense shock, it would be days before he would be calm enough to recount his tale – even unable to smoke pot all the while.

So, will the mystery of the ghost tuk-tuk ever be solved? Could it be real? A lonely soul caught halfway between this world and the next, desperately trying to cling to its old tuk-tuk route? Who knows? But one thing’s for certain: those who have claimed to have seen this motorized phantom will think twice again before heading out alone off the beaten track, or less be taken on a discounted ride to hell.

Tuk-Tuk Nascar

Although rare, the crafty tuk-tuk driver has been known to find his (or perhaps her) way into the occasional NASCAR competition. Crowd-shocking events such as these have been known to occur frequently during the low tourist-season periods of the driver’s respective homelands, when work is often harder to come by.

In the photo above, we see an elderly Indonesian tuk-tuker in the early heats of a recent exhibition race held in an unknown location in Mexico. Besides being somewhat in the middle of the pack at the time of the photo, it was reported that the tuk-tuker won the race with ease.

NASCAR has official refused to comment on the said events in the past but is widely understood to have an unofficial ban on tuk-tuks in sanctioned races. This is believed to be due to the fact that the tuk-tukers often dominate the competition due to superior driver skill, as obviously opposed to mechanical advantage. Tuk-tukers will claim that competing in a high-tension stock car competition is nothing compared to, let’s say, a trip to the airport during rush hour traffic, or dodging road construction in downtown Bangkok -- daily routines that must be performed to perfection if the tuk-tuker is to survive within the industry. Nascar Tuk-tukers will also often play mind games with themselves for added motivation, such as pretending cheering fans are attempting to flag them down amongst a sea of fierce competition, and thus the tuk-tuk driver must accelerate with wild abandon to grab the prize.

So all of this begs the question, will NASCAR ever relax its laws and allow the brave tuk-tuk to compete openly within its ranks, free from discrimination and scorn? Probably not. But, one can only hope that someday things could be different.