Quick Tips for the Irresponsible Traveler

While snorkeling or scuba diving in Thailand:

If you just happen to come across a rare giant clam in the Andaman Sea, make sure to find a big rock, and smash it. As this will help further reduce the numbers of an already near extinct species, making your rare encounter all the more boast-able to your friends back home. Highly recommended.

The Passing of Wild-Man “Ja”

Yes, the rumors are true. Wild-Man Ja is dead. But before you enter into a week long state of weeping and teeth gnashing, I would like you to know that he did in fact die peacefully, or, I should say, as peacefully as someone with the nickname Wild-Man Ja, could do.

Apparently our hero met his demise while doing what he loved – totting the random foreign tourist through the bustling back alleys of Bangkok. And right in his old favorite fishing hole of Kao San Road, he and an unfortunate, star-crossed hippy backpacker were swept away by the hand of fate into the netherworld. The cause – reportedly a fuel explosion due to Wild-Man Ja’s recent experimentation with an incredibly powerful but highly unstable super fuel produced from the carcasses of Bangkok street dogs, something definitely in abundance within the city. Nonetheless, his tampering with the boundaries of science ended in a fiery furnace of death.

In the above photo, we see an artists rendering of Ja (and his lowly companion), entering into the aqua jelly vortex, the believed gateway into the afterlife of Thai tuk-tuk drivers. It is a land in which there is always a willing and affluent farang to pick up, and the gasohol flows freely, as well as the beer Chang. It is written that if a tuk-tuk driver is honest and forthright in his service of tuk-tuking for his fellow man, then he will pass into the realm of the aqua jelly vortex for eternity.

So Wild-Man Ja, though gone, is far from forgotten. Soon his stories will pass into legend, and his legend will eventually pass into myth. Perhaps a deity status someday awaits this man of men. Who’s to say? But, yes. Saint Ja – patron saint of tuk-tuk drivers -- kind of has a nice ring to it if you ask me.

Wild-Man "Ja"

Today I would like to introduce the infamous tuk-tuk driver, Wild-Man Ja – a legend in the profession, known for his outrageous exploits, as well as creator of the first ever monster tuk-tuk. Bangkok commuters beware when in the midst of Wild-Man Ja during a rush-hour traffic jam, lest this be the fate of your automobile.

Chugging beer Chang like there’s no tomorrow and armed with the most powerful tuk-tuk in history, Wild-Man Ja’s been known to crush a blocking car now and again. In fact, as the picture above portraits, his exploits on the road became so well known, a crafty event promoter decided: hey, why not take it to the stage? Hence Ja’s new part-time occupation. But let it be known, that Ja has not abandoned his old profession of public transportation operator for fortune and fame. Oh, no! This humble and hardworking man of 78 years young still derives his true pleasure in life from plowing the streets of BKK, serving his fellow countrymen, as well as totting around the occasional foreigner. Often taking them for a ride they’ll never forget (with just a slight extra charge). So here’s to Wild-Man Ja: tuk-tuk driver extraordinaire. May he and his monster tuk-tuk run forever

How the Cheap Hippy Backpacker Views Himself

As the hyper-aware, culturally sensitive cheap hippy backpacker trots along on his worldwide journey of spiritual awakening and spreading of goodwill throughout the less fortune regions of the earth, he or she becomes an ambassador of global peace, understanding, and …uh. Give me a minute here. Ummm. OH! Stinginess. Yes. A representative of the stinginess of wealthier Western nations towards the developing world. So, not exactly the effect the cheap hippy backpacker had originally in mind.

Armed with Lonely Planet guidebooks, dreadlocks, and an overwhelming aura of uncleanliness, the cheap hippy backpacker sets out on a journey of self-enlightenment, and in turn continually befuddles natives along the way as to why someone with such wealth potential would dress so poorly. This is one of the paradoxes of budget travel – trying to show the less fortune that money and prosperity alone cannot bring happiness, and them replying: let me be the judge of that, easy for you to say, and – you try going through life never even being able to afford a single trip to the dentist. In other words, they just don’t want to hear it. Especially from a young twenty-something, over privileged hippy whose only work experience includes being an assistant coffee barrista at the local espresso bar.

So, when the cheap hippy backpacker naively blows money on a meditation course by yet another fraudulent spiritual guru, and then attempts to haggle with the hard-working tuk-tuk driver over a measily 5 Baht, well, need I say more?

Ghost Tuk-Tuk

While walking along a desolate strip of road, the lone traveler may suddenly have the overwhelming sensation of something approaching. Then a faint “honk-honk,” and a wispy “Hey you. Where you go,” eerily fills the air. And -- Yes! The ghost tuk-tuk approaches: its route set for hell, and the price – your soul! Although disputed as superstitious mumbo-jumbo by local authorities, more than one reputable wayfarer has claimed to have seen the ghost tuk-tuk in the otherwise peaceful seaside town of Songkhla, Thailand.

The legend begins over 20 years ago, when an elderly tuk-tuk driver named Somchai was brutally killed in an accident whilst aggressively pursuing a cheap hippy backpacker who refused to take public transportation in 40 degree plus heat. Shortly after this tragic event, rumors and murmurings of a ghost tuk-tuk plowing Somchai’s old route of Nang Ngam Road began to appear. Today the locals firmly believe that this is the spirit of old Somchai, eternally trying to pick up the same cheap hippy backpacker.

As one witness described his frightening encounter with ghost tuk-tuk -- whilst strolling alone on Nang Ngam Road one typical hot-season afternoon, he heard an old faint and decrepit voice behind him begin to say “tuk-tuk good, very very good. You go tuk-tuk, okay?” Thinking it was just another tuk-tuk driver soliciting a prospective custormer, he turned around to politely decline when -- Ghast! A ghoulish apparition appeared before him. The petrified traveler ran away, claiming to have been further pursued and touted for miles. After escaping and returning to his respective guesthouse, clearly in a state of intense shock, it would be days before he would be calm enough to recount his tale – even unable to smoke pot all the while.

So, will the mystery of the ghost tuk-tuk ever be solved? Could it be real? A lonely soul caught halfway between this world and the next, desperately trying to cling to its old tuk-tuk route? Who knows? But one thing’s for certain: those who have claimed to have seen this motorized phantom will think twice again before heading out alone off the beaten track, or less be taken on a discounted ride to hell.

Tuk-Tuk Nascar

Although rare, the crafty tuk-tuk driver has been known to find his (or perhaps her) way into the occasional NASCAR competition. Crowd-shocking events such as these have been known to occur frequently during the low tourist-season periods of the driver’s respective homelands, when work is often harder to come by.

In the photo above, we see an elderly Indonesian tuk-tuker in the early heats of a recent exhibition race held in an unknown location in Mexico. Besides being somewhat in the middle of the pack at the time of the photo, it was reported that the tuk-tuker won the race with ease.

NASCAR has official refused to comment on the said events in the past but is widely understood to have an unofficial ban on tuk-tuks in sanctioned races. This is believed to be due to the fact that the tuk-tukers often dominate the competition due to superior driver skill, as obviously opposed to mechanical advantage. Tuk-tukers will claim that competing in a high-tension stock car competition is nothing compared to, let’s say, a trip to the airport during rush hour traffic, or dodging road construction in downtown Bangkok -- daily routines that must be performed to perfection if the tuk-tuker is to survive within the industry. Nascar Tuk-tukers will also often play mind games with themselves for added motivation, such as pretending cheering fans are attempting to flag them down amongst a sea of fierce competition, and thus the tuk-tuk driver must accelerate with wild abandon to grab the prize.

So all of this begs the question, will NASCAR ever relax its laws and allow the brave tuk-tuk to compete openly within its ranks, free from discrimination and scorn? Probably not. But, one can only hope that someday things could be different.

The Future of Tuk-Tuk

I would now like to look ahead and try to imagine what the future may have in store for the tuk-tuk. Many in the field envision something of this sort for tuk-tuking in the late 21st century.

Upon arrival at the recently finished Suvarnabhumi Airport in Samut Prakan, Thailand – holiday makers will be whisked away to the destination of their choice. Be it Pattaya, Chiang Mai – or in the case above – Phuket, nothing will be out of reach for the “Rocket Tuk-Tuk.” Now, naturally, due to the increased fuel consumption of the above jet propulsion system that will systematically replace the widespread Diahatsu 550, 650cc 4-stroke engine, passenger prices will be a bit higher than in the past. But, oh, will the ride be so much more exciting.

It is reportedly rumored that Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra has given the green light for a 1-billion baht research and development project on the design and manufacture of the “Rocket Tuk-Tuk,” and has been on the record as stating that: development of the ‘Rocket Tuk-Tuk’ is essential to keeping Thailand ahead of its Asian counterparts in the tourist industry for generations to come.

On his recent weekly radio show, Sondhi Limthong made corruption allegation charges against Thaksin with respect to the above, claiming the Prime Minister had placed numerous patents and newly acquired research contracts for the machine into the name of his pet dog Fifi. Any validity to the allegations has yet to be determined. In addition, what will be done to the millions of currently existing conventional tuk-tuks, and whether or not the average low-class Thai farmer will be able to afford a ride on the "Rocket Tuk-Tuk" to the local 7-11, are also arguments addressed by critics of the plan.

Tuk-Tuk And the Apollo Lunar Missions

Something kept hush-hush to avoid public embarrassment was the recent discovery that crafty tuk-tuk drivers had already beaten the first lunar mission to the moon, upon forecasting a gap in the transportation market. This truth had been systematically swept under the rug until recently leaked by a disgruntled CIA clerk: code-named “Ping Pong Show.”

In the above recently discovered photograph, we see an increasingly frustrated Neil Armstrong contending with a driver, who’s obviously mistaken him for a hippy backpacker, over the fact that he does not want to go to the nearest full-moon party, but instead merely needs to get back to his ship before his oxygen runs out. This was also in addition to trying to charge Armstrong an extra 20 baht for the space suit!

This just goes to show you that even though NASA had in fact trained its astronauts in the ability to communicate in a myriad of the earth’s languages, pidginized Thai-glish spoken by a mumbly-mouthed Bangkok cab driver on the outskirts of the moon wasn’t one of them. So don’t feel bad. Even exclamations such as “Whae you go?” and “You nee tuk-tuk?” can befuddle the uber-lingual of the space programme.

A Bit about Me – The Man Behind the Legend

Greetings, fellow time-waster. This bit will be a personalized piece about the man at the helm of Tales from the Tuk Tuk, as well as one of the world’s foremost pundits on the study of tukology, or tuk-tuk studies. And, yes, you guessed right. That person’s me, or Teacher Forrest, as I’m known in Songkhla university circles. The man, the legend, the noticeably overweight guy standing in front of the class with chili stains on his tie. Hell, I’m so famous, I can’t even leave my house or office without receiving a barrage of stares, accented “Herro’s”, and offers of cheap sales and taxi rides. The small-minded merely scoff at this remark and ignorantly exclaim, “This happens to all whiteys in South East Asia.” Upon which I immediately reply, “Jealous, huh?”

After a brief, stint as a salt encrusted commercial fisherman carousing the jagged Pacific coastline of North America for the occasional rock grouper, I said farewell to the sea, and hello to Japan. Riding upon the wave of the JET Programme, or as the Japanese call it, the JETO Purogramo. (See! I can write Japanese, too.) After 2 years of being stranded in the most barren land of the most barren island in the nation, Hokkaido, I decided that being able to talk to people again might serve as a pleasant change, so I said goodbye to the frigid north and hello to the sweltering south of Thailand. And now, here I am.

The adept reader will have also gathered from the above movie poster, that I also futzed around with low-grade 60’s era Thai film at one time. Starring in the little known Siam number, “Nakrawng Nikleng,” which loosely translates as, “White, not so good looking pimpin’ guy from the West sings cheesy Thai lounge numbers for chicks, then gets killed by greasy Mafia dood for sleeping with said dood’s lady.” Like I said, merely a loose translation.

Tuk-Tuk as Depicted in da Vinci’s Masterpiece: The Last Supper

A little known historical fact is the role of tuk-tuks in transporting the Italian Renaissance urbanites during this fountainous time of philosophical and spiritual awakening. The symbolic power of the tuk-tuk during this era as the “thread that held Milan together” during the French invasion of 1498 is clear. Apparently, da Vinci himself escaped incarceration more than once by callous French authorities upon the “trusty wheels of the tuk-tuk.”

In this little known early version of the famous “Last Supper” painting, in which historical inaccuracies abound. Da Vinci plays with alternative themes. What was depicted in the final piece as the reaction of the apostles after Jesus’ statement that one amongst them would betray him, is in this version a much simpler portrayal of the common Italian Renaissance dilemma of dealing with a tuk-tuk driver who persistently (and often times falsely!) claims to have no change for 20 lira on a 5 lira ride. An ancient trick indeed! Nonetheless, devious drivers aside, da Vinci’s reverence for the tuk-tuk as an indispensable as well as beautifully engineered machine are without question.

Tuk-Tuk And the D-day Invasion

One almost unforgivable act of historical mis-documentation is the little known role tuk-tuks and their brave drivers played in helping the allies storm the beaches of Normandy on D-day -- January 6, 1944. Apparently the tuk-tuk driver's union had become disillusioned with the current German regime due to its prejudiced and protectionist economic policies, saying the tuk-tuk community had no place amongst the Aryan super race that would soon control the world, so in a duel act of protest and revenge, the tuk-tukers agreed to pick up Allied soldiers at the waterfront at a designated time. Problems arose however, when upon the arrival of the first wave of allied forces, due to their apparent lateness, the drivers had all left their vehicles to go “grab a bowl of noodles." Further kinks in the plan emerged when upon the driver’s return, they demanded that to receive the local fair, the soldiers would first have to visit 2 to 3 jewelry shops before they could take them to their “rendezvous points.” The picture above portraits a heart wrenching scene of a small group of soldiers battling their way to a waiting tuk-tuk only to find the driver nowhere to be found. It just goes to show you that the old adage of “when ya don’t need a tuk-tuk you gotta beat ‘em off ya, and when you need one you can’t find one to save your ass,” even applied on the beaches of Normandy in ’44.

The History of Tuk-Tuk

As we shall soon see, the tuk-tuk has played a consequential, but nonetheless unrecognized role throughout history. Theories as to why this is so vary immensely within the academic field of tukology, but one fact cannot be dismissed: our world would not be the same today if it weren’t for the tuk-tuk. Even though, the day will most likely never come when this humble little machine may proudly stand beside the Post-It-Note or disposable diaper in the pantheon of greatest inventions of all-time, this little machine has loomed large in history even if cruel fate has somehow managed to keep it out of the history books.

The Tuk-TuK: A Brief Introduction

So, what exactly is a tuk-tuk, you say? Well, funny you should ask. A tuk-tuk is actually a golf cart like machine that’s been modified for futuristic post-apocalyptic battle in a gladiatorial arena constructed of nuclear blown scrap iron and filled with chanting, dirt-covered hairless people, or… a motorized rickshaw. Whichever description you choose, the basic visual image will be about the same.

So, why the title -- Tales from the Tuk Tuk? Well, funny you should ask. You see, whilst riding home from work one day in the back of the above machine, crouched over due to my freakishly tall 6-foot (180 cm) white-man figure, I had a premonition, realization (or whatever the word is) that I do some of my best thinking in the back of a tuk-tuk. Thus a simple tuk-tuk could serve as my muse for bringing wisdom and glorious intellect to the outside world.

You see, I am bit distanced from my roots at the present. A native of the mystical land of Oregon, USA, I have now found myself calling a little city on the Thai side of the Malay Peninsula -- known as Songkhla -- my home. While still back in the states battling the doldrums of everyday life, I got an original idea – teach English overseas! This has never been done before. And being the trailblazing, vanguardish kind of guy I am, I would soon set sail for the east. Only to find out upon arrival that everyone else and their pot-head/alcoholic buddy had already beaten me to it. Damn it! Knew I should’ve flown.